Q&A: The Fine Line of Brent Smith-style Game

Hey Lex,

I’ve been reading your blog & it’s been very influential to me, especially the stuff about Brent Smith’s no-chase style. I’m a recent convert to that myself. A couple of questions, though. Just “letting things happen” seems to be a very slow way. My average time between GFs is measured in months, not weeks, when I do things this way. Do those long stretches of “nothing happening” ever get shorter? Also, you’ve seen pictures of Brent…Do you really think women will chase you and I the way they chase him? I know he says it’s all about inner game, but I’d like to send him out in a fat-suit someday to put that theory to the test

Women do hit on me even when I’m being completely passive & not overtly doing anything. But the quality tends to be low (i.e. middle-aged women whose looks are 4 or 5 out of 10). Does the quality of women whom one is able to passively attract improve as one’s inner game improves? Or does your own physical attractiveness set a ceiling on that?

Merry Xmas,
-Johnny

Johnny,

Merry Xmas to you too. 

Let me start off by saying that it always makes me feel so good knowing that there are guys reading my blog and it gives value to their lives.  A lot of times I will go back and reflect on my life prior to learning Game and Social Skills and the torment that it brings.  I keep writing this blog mainly so that other guys out there, who are still living in that hell, can help themselves get out of the situation.

Ok, so Brent game.  Brent game, I find INCREDIBLE for internal happiness, which I think you’ve noticed in yourself.  Letting go of that need to “get girls” and not chase is amazing.  I think everything in life can mainly be solved if people were to say to themselves “this just doesn’t matter that much”.  For a long time my own personal mantra was, “who cares?”, but not in a nihilistic way, but in a “let’s not complicated things way.”

Unfortunately, sometimes you do enter into these vacuum periods, because as much as you can swing to the direction of “who cares” it can also turn complacent and solitary.

So, the bigger question here is, how can I maintain a non-attached, yet social, attitude?

And man, let me tell you, the human ego is viscous.  It is a voracious eater of validation.  I was a cigarette smoker for a long time and I quit by using the nicotine patch.  Amazingly as soon as I put on the patch I noticed that all those little excuses that I would say to myself to rationalize my smoking were nothing more than that – a rationalization.  “I have an oral fixation”, “I like the ‘act’ of smoking”, “it calms my nerves”, etc.  It was all just bullshit.

It is just as easy for that happen in our dating lives.  You get a bunch of phone numbers, you txt some girls, they respond, you like the attention, it feels nice, you may even hook up with a few, but after a while it seems very important to “get girls”, “get phone numbers”, etc.

But it really isn’t.

You have to live within the mindset of pursuing your goals while not being attached to them. 

I want to correct it when you said, ”letting things happen”, because when you run Brent game you actually aren’t passively letting things happen.

Mainly, stop caring about anything happen.  If nothing happens that’s ok.  If something happens that’s ok.  The point is that it doesn’t matter.  You have to let that go.

Secondly, live your life, be social, pursue your interests, pursue your life, etc., etc.  Women will come, but don’t care about it.  Again, it doesn’t matter.

Live your life for your wants and desires.  If you see a really attractive girl, then go ahead and talk to her because you want to get to know her.  But definitely don’t have an agenda about it.  Don’t be going to talk to her so that you can “run game to get her to fuck you”.  Treat her as any other person you may meet and talk to.

Now, in terms of Brent Smith himself, yes, he is definitely a good looking guy.  I’m sure that there are times that he does get approached by women solely based on his looks.  But keep in mind that most women are much much too passive to ever approach a guy.

Shit, 99% of people in the world rarely ever approach anyone.  I think I read a statistic somewhere that men average 5 cold approaches in their lifetimes.

But Brent does and advocates something that is incredibly brilliant.  I think A LOT of people get learn Brent gamesecond hand because he doesn’t have an e-book.  But you can go to his site and sign up for his podcasts and I very much suggest you do if you are interested in his style.

He says to be social. 

The point is that Brent doesn’t advocate sitting back and doing nothing.  He advocates being social and talking to people with no agenda.  He says, “walk around a club/bar, say hi to people, as them how their night is going, give them a high five, have cheers with them, etc.”  The reason why women and people approach Brent has absolutely nothing to do with his looking good, but because he’s a social person and people love his positivity, energy, and happiness.  He’s going around the club talking and saying hi to people, and so it’s not a big deal to talk to him because he’s talking to everyone.

Also, he really does have his inner game totally straight, so people don’t get a creepy feeling from him when they talk to him.  He is just likable.

Let me add also that lately I’ve been getting, “you just make me feel so comfortable from the first minute we hang out.”  Men, women, etc.  People enjoy my company because I am comfortable with myself, I am not judgemental, and I am incredibly respectful, as well as maintaining a fun, cool vibe.

So, I guess the overall key is to be social, meet and talk to people, but drop the agenda and everything works out on its own.

Best of Luck and Merry Xmas,

Lex

Me, from a different perspective

What a world we live in.  Jailbait gave me the address of her blog a long time ago, and because I’m at my parents house bored, I flipped over, and my, she had a whole bunch of stuff to say about me.

It’s interesting to see things from her perspective, but it also explains a lot of what she was feeling and why I absolutely had to stop seeing her:

So lately Lex has been acting really oddly towards me.  He seems to get frustrated and annoyed for any little thing.  Especially if I don’t bow down to him or compliment him and stroke his ego if you will.  And I’ve learned that if I prove him wrong it’s like sin.  For example, I simply asked him if he liked Disney World seeing as I’m a huge Disney kid and love that sort of thing.  He replied no, that it’s too childish.  Fair enough although Epcot and MGM are quite far from childish so I mentioned that and asked if he liked either place.  To which he replied that he said Disney World was too childish not Epcot and MGM.  Yet Epcot and MGM are part of Disney World… which I pointed out.  I mentioned that he’s confusing Magic Kingdom with the entire Disney World.  God this set him off. It was the most rediculous thing ever.  I can’t even have an innocent little conversation with him without him being annoyed with me because I don’t bend to his will.  I’m sorry but if you’re wrong you’re wrong.  I’m not going to lie about something I know for a fact just to please anyone.  That’s absurd. 

This may be the best example of how a Low Self-Esteem brain works.  I can honestly tell you this conversation meant pretty much nothing to me.  She asked me if I liked Disney World, I said no because it’s too childish (meaning that it’s a place that little kids go, and I’m not into that), then she said MGM and Epcot weren’t the Magic Kingdom and I said, “ok”, and that I still didn’t like it.

Keep in mind the filters of her own mind as they receive my words.  She is a negative person with Low Self Esteem, so when the words are received they instantly are tagged with her negative commentary on it.  I was not frustrated at all, I wasn’t annoyed at all, this conversation actually meant very little to me, but the negative mind grabs at words, twists and twists and twists until the situtaion is completely overexaggeratted on in her mind.  Pretty unfortunate, actually, it must be tortorous. 

I feel Lex has this overwhelming craving to fit into not fitting in if that makes any sense.  Like he tries so hard to be an “individual” and “independent” rather than succumbing towards what he really wants sometimes.  I don’t think he realizes what an asshole he becomes when he’s trying so hard to be “independent”. 

If there was nothing else besides this statement, it is reason enough for me not to want to see this girl again.  The problem here is that she is judging me.  Who wants to be involved with another person who is constantly judging them?  Relationships are supposed to be uplifting, supportive, and loving, not a situation in which you are constantly looking down and criticizing the other person.

I can’t stand his secrecy and he knows it and does it on purpose. 

This is so disrespectful and narcisstic.  I am just a person who doesn’t share everything, but in her mind I am purposefully keeping information from her to make her angry.  Read further for the absolute mega-judgementalness that she attached to this.

What kind of person does that?  A childish and immature person.  Or even worse someone with something to hide.  I love how he claims he’s so honest and truthful yet he is so vague and generic with me to maintain his “independence” and “individuality”.  True I don’t want to be his girlfriend but at the same time I think it’s kind of fair if you market yourself as being honest and open and truthful then be honest and open and truthful.  Don’t give me a false perception of who you really are.  I can be nothing but who I am and I may not be as “independent” or as much of an “individual” but you know what at least I’m not trying so hard to be something I’m not that I don’t realize I’m hurting people in the process.  People who want nothing more than to be nice to you and be your friend. 

And the hooks are coming out.  This is why being involved with a LSE girl can never ever work.  In a loving and positive relationship both parties love and admire the others individuality and don’t view it as a threat which causes resentment in a negative person.  They respect the other person’s life and don’t see it as their place to intrude on that.

Jailbait is stating there that I am being “secretive”, but really what she means by secretive is that I’m not telling where I am, who I’m with, what I’m doing, what time I’m going to be home, etc., etc.  I’m sure most men in relationships can relate to their girlfriends doing this. 

Look at the place this is coming from; it is a total intrusion into who I am as a person.  Fundamentally she judges me and finds my individuality a threat because “I may go away”.  It is all very needy and possessive. 

She steps so far over the line, actually, that she says that I am “pretending to be something I’m not”.  How amazingly fucked up is that?  She has determined, after knowing me for a very short period of time, that she knows me better than I know myself and that because I am not becoming dependant on her and looking for her validation and living my life for myself that there is something wrong with me.

Again, all very typical of a LSE mind.

I understand I’ve been overly critical and judgemental of him. 

See how she even acknowledges it, but then continues on the path of destruction anyway?

I wish I wasn’t and I don’t mean to be in a negative way.  Like when he showed me his writings and I pointed out a grammatical error I noticed I only meant it to help him out but he took it the wrong way.  ;( 

Please note, I never took it the wrong way.  She pointed something out that was a matter of style, not grammar, and all I said was, “it’s a matter of style”, again twisting things and oveblowing them into something negative.

I wish people would understand that I don’t do that to be mean, if anything I do it to be nice and help out.  I don’t know I think Lex may be 28 but has the social mentality of a high school boy. 

Again, judging me.

It’s so frustrating.  Even worse is that he claims he has plans then expects me to all of a sudden go over only for a time period and leave before his “plans”.  Mentions to bring lingerie too.  If that’s not a booty call then I don’t know what is. 

This was actually the final line for me.  I know I sound like a broken record, but again, this is her twisting things to the negative.

We’ve gone out together, we’ve gone to dinner together, even a couple of days before this post we went to the library and studied together, holding hands, and being very cute and loving.  Unfortunately because of the negative twist, she can’t appreciate that I am making time for her even though I’m busy with other things.  She twists “plans” into me seeing another girl (which is the inferrence here – and by the way, I just was going to an art event), so there is a huge jealousy factor here.

And again, beyond that there is no appreciation, just negativity, judgementalness, and bad feelings.

After I told him no thank you that I had already made plans he’s been ignoring me since. 

Actually, what she said was, “so I’m on a time limit?  Thanks, but no thanks, I made plans.”

I want to tell him all this and straighten shit out because it’s real unfair.  My fucking luck.  Wish shit could just get settled the adult way instead of the pre teen way of “I’m not talking to youuuu nyah nyah”.  Honestly grow up.

I think we all know that I don’t acknowledge negativity, but she, of course, turns it into me being immature.  Of course, her being possessive, judgemental, critical, etc., isn’t immature and off putting at all, it is all me being a bad person.

And you know what?  That’s perfectly cool.  I respect this girls desire to be negative.  It’s ok, that’s her problem, not mine.  But I can not spend time with a person like this, nor would most people who have their lives together.

Also, just so that you understand more fully, in her post she also talks about other guys she’s dating (so hypocritally being possessive over me while she is dating freely – perfect example of chicklogic) and how she’s pissing all them off too.  Of course it’s all the other guys faults and not hers, again just going to show the irrational mind of a LSE girl.

The Death of a Vagina

This is a tragic story, The Death of a Vagina.  Unfortunately it’s also quite ordinary and often times expected.

It all begins in a whirlwind of events.  You meet her, she is pretty damn cool and sexy and you want that beauteous vajayjay.  Even though you haven’t seen, touched, or smelt it yet, you know you want it.

A date or two, a bit of drinking and before you know it you are naked finally getting to attack the object you desired for a couple of weeks.  Not to mention, this girl is cool, she’s fun, she’s attractive.  You really really like her.

It’s all good.

One phone number, one date, one week, one month, one year… and before you know it you have found “her”, your girl.  You move in together, you have a place.  Things are great.  Sure you fight, sure there’s tension and problems.  Sure, sometimes you are smothering each other, but that’s alright, “all relationships require work”.

But damn… how much work do you need to do?  How much effort do you need to put in to make her happy?  She starts shit with you, you fight, etc.  After awhile being on top of each other the whole situation loses it’s charm, there isn’t quite the fun that there used to be, the conversation is pretty much dead, and you find yourself wanting that life of singledom.

You know what, though?  You are a good guy!  You’re not going to abandon the girl you love to go back to that life.  So you head back to your life and miraculously she’s cool with it (what a surprise – she’s a cool and understanding girl).

“Go hang out with the boys,” she says.  You’re a lucky guy.

Now you’re back in the swing of it, going out, drinking, partying… woo!  The guys are back!

In the meantime your girl is at home, supportive but unloved.  The two of you never have sex anymore.  The romance is gone.  She’s lonely and you’re out with your buddies.  You haven’t been out on a date with each other in months.

She gets restless.

And finally the vagina dies.  She doesn’t even want your touch anymore.  You are barely attracted to her.  She just is this anchor at home that periodically gives you shit about hanging out with your friends.

Tragedy strikes again.

This post has to deal with what I’m hearing from friends coming from several directions.  They’re all in different phases of this situation, but it’s a very common theme.

1.  Whirlwind romance/honeymoon period
2.  Guy drops everything to be with girl
3.  Guy can’t maintain a life of devotion to the pussy
4.  Guy wants to be “free” again
5.  Girl is supportive of guy
6.  Guy runs off with friends all the time and is neglectful of girl
7.  Girl feels unloved and becomes restless
8.  Relationship becomes distant and suffers all around

You know what phrase I hate the most in the entire world?  “Relationships require work”.  What a crock of shit that is.

RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT WORK!!!

Loving someone is positive, happy, and supportive.

Relationships, fundamentally, are a female institution.  As I’ve said before, I don’t believe in monogamy, but I don’t think that people can’t find happiness within monogamy.  The problem is that there is a false myth that monogamy offers stability and it doesn’t.  Additionally, the way that people approach relationships (by giving up everything to get “the pussy”) causes instability.

Let’s look closer at what it is that a woman really wants from her man.  She wants care, love, romance, protection, security, a leader, someone to release to, etc.  And let me tell you, she wants it BAD.

Before getting the vajayjay, it is all worth it.  The romance, the work, the time put in.  But when the chase is gone, so is “the magic”.

The worst thing you could ever do is take away from her that man that she fell in love with, which is unfortunately what most guys do.  There are two options to take here: 1. submit to the pussy and sacrifice everything, 2. show the pussy who’s boss and be a fuckin’ man.

Keep this in mind.  She wants a leader.  And she’ll test that, she’s going to want to suck you into her world and lock you down because it will make her feel secure and safe – well, at least that’s what she thinks, what you really are doing is satisfying her neediness and insecurity.  Telling them, “hey guys, you must be right, so I’m gonna submit to you.”

But you really have to be strict with what you want out of life.  Do you want the instant gratification of on-demand sex with a girl, having a “honeymoon” syndrome, only to have it crashing down after some time?  Or do you want to relentlessly love your life, your world, your passions, and acknowledge that a great girl is only part of it and not the center of it?

The fact is that if you smother something it will die.  The pressure will cause a backlash, which will just shatter any semblance of happiness that may be possible.

Boundaries equals love, and getting some fresh pussy shouldn’t make you sacrifice that.  Not only will your life keep on that happy line that you’ve already set for yourself, but your girl will appreciate it.  Not to mention you will still WANT to romance her.  Since you don’t have this anchor of nagginess and bitchiness locked around your neck you will actually WANT to see your woman and do nice things for her.  Since you won’t have that “pussy on demand” dynamic, you’ll still have to chase after her which is more fulfilling than getting it without any effort.

So don’t let the vagina die.  Be a man, fulfill your responsibilities and treat your woman right.

Ho-hum… normal game is just… normal

Last night I went out with some new people that I’m adding to my social circle. Since moving out to the beach my social circle has quadrupled, it has been insane.

Anyway, after going to Art Walk in the Design District, which was dead, me, Nonex, and these two lesbians I just met that night went over to White Room.

I ran into Moonface girl, who was this girl that I met on myspace awhile ago but when we met she was too overweight and not attractive enough to pursue. But she really must be the token fat girl friend, because she ALWAYS has cute girls around her! Last time me and this girl hung out I met a couple of really cute girls, and this time she was with her cousin, who was extremely cute and my type.

Here’s what happened:

I walk into White Room and Moonface grabs me to say hi. I talk to her for a little bit, while her cousin hangs around in the background. I introduce her to the people I’m with, then introduce myself to her cousin. I knew right away I wanted to game her.

We’re in a circle at this point, and me and the Cousin are standing opposite of each other. I am talking to Moonface and she says something like she is totally PMS’ing and I start cracking on her about it, and I say that I always end up being every girl’s punching bag whenever they’re PMS’ing. I ask the Cousin if she’s PMS’ing too, and she said that she wasn’t.

I mention how it was a full moon, and usually women’s mentral cycles are inline with the moon cycle as well as that women who hang out with each other a lot usually have similar menstral cycles.

She’s laughing at that, and I move closer and cut off the circle, while Moonface starts talking to another friend of hers who had just walked up.

I ask her what her sign is, she says Leo, I say I am too. Then I say, “that’s it, we’re already screwed. We’re going to get super attracted to each other, and then we’re going to end up hating each other.”

She says, “I don’t think I can hate you.”

I say, “Oh that’s what you say now because you’re so attracted to me, but trust me, we’re going to hate each other. Ok, ok… just insult me right now so that I know how well I can deal with it.”

She laughs, “I don’t think I have anything bad to say.”

We laugh.

After that I move into normal questions, what she does, what she likes, what she’s doing in Miami, where is she living at, etc. Ends up we have a lot in common, like writing, music, and the arts – and she especially likes metal and hard rock. We had a pretty long conversation about music.

Let me mention also, that what I was saying really didn’t matter, but I was maintaining good eye contact, doing light kino, doing things to open her body language, etc. She was doing little IOI’s that sometimes are IOI’s but sometimes just someone being nervous – like looking down and shyly smiling, pushing her hair behind her ear, and other stuff like holding good eye contact, not moving away from my touch, etc.

I asked her if she played any instruments, she said no but that she would really like to. She asked me if I played anything, and I said, yes, and that I could teach her guitar if she really wanted to learn (that line is like 75 years old).

She says yes, and to contact her through myspace and we can meet up next week.

That’s it, said I’ll be in touch, and then went off to find my friends, dance for a little bit, then went home.

I got no time for suckas!

I fired Jailbait.

I know, I know, I’m starting to get like Seinfeld and his endless turning wheel of women who he too easily finds flaws with and gets rid of them for the next prospect.

But, honestly, I have a very small list of demands for the women I date (The First Step), especially ones that I am considering as my “main squeezes”.

Mainly there has to be an underlying positivity and niceness.  I can not, can not, can not stand women and people who are negative, pessimistic, feel victimized, and liberals (ha!).

Also, this ties into another belief system of mine, which is that you can never fully get to know someone until you have sex with them, so it’s best to try to have sex with them as soon as possible.

It’s like the tale of two girls.

Before sex: sweet, nice, kind, funny, interesting, joyous

After sex: pessimistic, critical, possessive, jealous, mean-spirited, hateful

I can not tell you how incredible the difference was.

This is how it all went down; I had been trying to see Jailbait all week, I hadn’t seen her since we slept together last week.  Unfortunately, she’s had finals all week, and she told me on Monday that Thursday would’ve been her first day off.  She asked me if I had plans for the weekend and I told her, “I don’t really make plans that far ahead.”

Later I found out that on Thursday there was going to be an event I really wanted to attend.  And Friday is another event that I really wanted to go to as well.

When I talked to her on Tuesday, she said that she could hang out after her finals on Thursday and I said that I already had plans for Thursday and Friday but I would love to see her on Saturday.  She got really pissy and said, “I thought you didn’t make plans that far ahead.”  In a spiteful way.

This was the first sign, a small step into the realm of jealousy.  Let’s put this in context for a second, would you treat a friend like this?  Of course not.  It is fucking rude as shit.  Is it any of her business when I make and don’t make plans?  Of course not.

The next day I was chatting with her online and she brought up the fact that I am “secretive” and it is mysterious and that it is frustrating at the same time.  I asked her what she meant and she said that I’m telling her that I have plans but not giving her details and she wants to ask, but she knows that I’ll twist it into the fact that she is being jealous and possessive.

*DING*  Wow, talk about letting me know exactly what she’s thinking.  By her saying that I would “twist it” into her being jealous and possessive just says that she is being jealous and possessive, otherwise the thought would have never popped into her head.  Additionally, why the hell would I have to tell her my plans?  If I wanted to tell her what I was doing then I would tell her.  If I didn’t want to tell her I won’t.  After that, it comes down to respect.  Either she can respect that I keep things to myself or she can walk away.

Only to make matters worse, I showed her some pictures of an event that I threw several years ago, and the first things out of her mouth were criticisms.  Gross and negative, what a turn-off.

These are all very, very obvious signs but I have to know what I’m looking for.  Because I demand positivity, when there is even the inklings of negativity I am completely aware of it.

Also, I am not a manipulative person.  In the past I would have argued with her to demand that she be positive and not jealous and possessive.  I have made that mistake SEVERAL times over the course of my life.  The thing is she is who she is and it isn’t up to me to change that.  If she’s negative and possessive then that’s great for her, I just choose to not associate with it.

So goodbye Jailbait, it was fun while it lasted.

Getting down and dirty, it’s shameful admission time

Alright, I’m gonna make a really really shameful admission on my blog.  Thankfully I have the convenience of complete anonymity since no one in my personal life knows about this blog and my small steady following of readers are incredibly cool and understanding.

I totally suck in bed.

Oh man, I said it, and you know what, it feels good.

Unlike the perpetual uber-man Pickup Dude mythology, just because I get regular sex that doesn’t mean that I’m good at it.  Weirdly, the better I’ve gotten at getting sex the worse I’ve become.

With my first girlfriend, who I lost my virginity to, I would be able to fuck that girl for hours!  I felt like a superman.  I fucked her 11 times in a day once.  It got to the point that I struggled to pop with her.  I would have to think of other girls or watch pornos to be able to jizz.

After I broke up with her I went probably 3 years before I had sex again.

Yes… 3 years.  How’s that for justifying a reason to learn pickup?

Anyway, the next girl was this really cute Nicaraguan girl with a really really sleek little body.  I met her at my job at the bookstore after reading David De’Angelo’s Double Your Dating.  We went out a couple of times for drinks, I was still dating back then, and eventually got her over to my place because my car had broken down and I told her to bring me some food.

We get some Miami Subs, which is a terrible idea because Miami Subs and stomachs mix incredibly badly.  Eventually we get naked and we’re gonna get down and dirty.  She climbs ontop of me, slides in the salami, and out of nowhere just starts going CRAZY and riding me as if we had just burst out the gate at the Kentucky Derby.

Because I was sexually inexperienced and had some sexual shyness, I didn’t know what to do.  It was like taming a wild beast after living a life in total seclusion away from all animals.

I popped in 5 seconds.

She came over again a couple of days later and I popped again in 5 seconds.

I never called her again after that.  I was so incredibly ashamed of what happened.  It was terrible.  Couple that with the fact that I had some severe sexual issues from being raised by a feminist and sex became something that I feared.

Well, thankfully I dealt with the shame and my guilt over sex issues, but I still have been a pretty bad fuck.  Even with my exgirlfriend, who I dated for a year and a half, would sometimes complain about how fast I would jizz.

I’ve compensated by developeding really strong oral sex skills and I take my time in foreplay and postplay, so that when it gets down to business at least the girl is satisfied in one way or another.

I have been totally resolute to solve this.  I’ve been practicing keegle exercises, breathing techniques, getting comfortable, taking my time, etc., etc.

On Wednesday last week I had sex with Jailbait for the first time and I fucked the shit out of her!  Nothing crazy and it’s not like I felt like I was a porn actor or something, but the main thing was that I did a lot of little things to delay orgasming.

Whenever I would hit that moment that I would feel like I was about to bust, I would pull out and either change positions or I would go down on her.  I did a lot of things like changing my pace and taking my time.  Before that was something I would feel that I was doing, like rushing to cum.  And it takes A LOT of internal strength to fend it off.

One mistake that I used to make a lot was that if I felt like I was about to pop I would stop fucking but stay inside but would ejaculate anyway.  But I realized that pulling out and letting my body calm down for a second is much much better.

I also want to give credit to the guys over at the South Florida lair.  There was a forum post that had a lot of discussion, where a guy had asked for advice on his problem with PE and there were a lot of good tips.  As much as I may chastise the front game aspect of the seduction community, the other parts I appreciate greatly.  How to please a woman, how to handle a relationship, female psychology, male empowerment, etc.  That stuff I love and I think is life changing.

Also, I really hope that now that I’m learning how to deal with this better it will stop negatively affecting my game.  I wish I could be not attached to the concept of being a good fuck and be totally accepting of myself (I’d say I’ve been 90% accepting of having PE) but the fact is that there is that tiny little bit of doubt in the back of my head that I really can please a woman in the bedroom, which undermines my game at times.

FR: When theory meets reality

There are a couple of things that I really want to put out there before I start this report.

I have really been trying as hard as possible to remove as much of “front game” from my life as possible. I do ZERO cold-approach pickup, I don’t do any sort of purposeful strategies, such as running a DHV story, “jumping hoops”, “compliance tests”, etc. Sure, sometimes they happen but I am being totally and completely myself. No thinking, no planning, nothing. Just myself.

Also, I haven’t been out sarging since last year. What I have been developing is my loves and interests. I am a writer, in the past I’ve written and published my own magazines that I’ve passed around South Florida. This week I launched a new site that is along the same lines as the other magazines I’ve done: music, art, culture. I just moved out to South Beach and one of the main benefits is that I’m in the middle of the action. I had to take two years off because I was living in South Miami and didn’t have a car to get to places. Now I can walk any night of the week to somewhere on SoBe or take a bus across the bridge to Downtown if I need to.

Last night I went out because I am pursuing my life. If I hadn’t met a single woman all night, my night would still have been incredible. The women were nice additions to it, but they were secondary (if not further below that).

I make plans with friends to head Downtown to gallery hop for all the Art Basel events going on around town. I hadn’t seen any art exhibits yet, plus I needed to get some stuff up on the website from Art Basel.

I go to the Wynwood Art District with my friends and stop at a couple of galleries and start taking pictures and notes for some pieces. My friends go off and I tell them it’s ok, I was really planning on being solo the whole night anyway.

Because I was taking pictures and notes I was getting approached by the artists and curators of the galleries to talk about what I was doing and also to do mini-interviews that I could put along with the pictures.

At one point I’m leaving a gallery and a Cougar asks me who I’m writing for. I tell her that I have a blog and I’m writing for myself. We get into a short conversation about blogging and writers in Miami. She asks for the website and tells me that she’ll send an email to see if she can support in any way.

I’m sure she was being socially friendly but if she does contact me at least there’s a way to further the interaction.

I ran into a friend (Red) at one point that I was planning on meeting up with later at White Room to go see a band play that had come down from Detroit. She was with this super cute chick in a Pencil Skirt. Small, brunette, petite, good body, killer face. She tells me she’s heading over to Vagabond now, but would be at White Room later.

I also weirdly had a quick interaction with these two girls that I went to Middle School with. One girl I recognized because (hate to say it) she is memorably unattractive, the other one I didn’t remember. But it was a really fast pass by, but I ran into them later at White Room.

After that I walk from the Wynwood area to Vagabond, which is a 10 block walk through Overtown at 11 o’clock at night. This is where pickup has helped me a lot. Not that I lack fear but that I don’t fear the unexpected. I was slightly nervous walking through such a f**k up area, but I wasn’t afraid that something would happen that I couldn’t handle.

That may really just be stupidity though. But it is really freeing.

Vagabond had a VIP entry so I went over to White Room, which was where I wanted to be anyway. When I get inside I run into a group of friends that I know from my old job when I was working at Borders, and talk with them for a little bit and also set them up as a “home base” because they are staying put where they were sitting.

I walk off to see if Red and Pencil Skirt are there and I find them. Red and I start talking and we’re involving Pencil Skirt into the conversation as well. I start talking about a new job that I got working in Financial Analysis and Pencil Skirt says, “woah, Financial Analysis, that’s a complicated job”, then I start talking about how I really just care about being a writer. She asks me what I studied in school and I tell her that I have a degree in History with minors in English, Religion, and Philosophy, and she gives me the ‘wow, you just impressed the hell out of me’ look.

I say, “oh boy, that’s right, I’m the guy with the sexy brain, looks like I’m leaving Red for you” in a humorous way (Red and I have an extremely flirtatous friendship, but I’m fairly sure it’s non-sexual). I give her a one armed hug and bite her neck.

From that point Pencil Skirt and I start having a pretty nerdy conversation about art movements, because she’s an art historian, and about how we both read like crazy, and crave knowledge, etc. She tells me that I have to take her number and she lives out on the beach too, and she wants to hang out.

I take it and she says, “send me a txt so I have it too.”

As we’re about to go off in our own directions, I grab her shoulder, give her really strong eye contact, and say, “your brain is incredibly sexy.”

Not that much longer after that they are walking passed me, and she makes a point to tell me, “I got your txt and your number is saved.”

I head back to that first group of friends and as I’m standing there the two girls from my Middle School get in our general vicinity so I walk over to talk to them. Ends up one of the girls (they’re sisters by the way) had an exhibition there and she’s an oil painter. I comment on how weird it is that so many people that we grew up with have become artists in one way or another, which then opens up a conversation about art in general, which opens up talking about our loves and passion for art, and I also make a point to talk about how I thought it was the influence of Nirvana on all of us, etc.

I’m mainly focused on the younger, more attractive sister, who is the oil painter, and she tells me also to take down her phone number so we can “hang out and look at old middle school pictures”.

After that I head back again to the “home” group, and I end up talking to this one girl who is tall and gorgeous. I think I started talking to her because I was trying to find a good path to the bar for another friend and she was either in the way or trying to get by us, something like that. I looked at her, she looked at me, and we shared a look that you give someone if you are about to meet them through your social group, so I say, “Hey” with a big smile on my face.

She says “hi” but with a look on her face (not in a defensive way) of, “should I be meeting you right now??” I say, “Is your name (something, I don’t even remember)” because she looked like whatever I said, and told me her name which was kind of exotic.

I said, “wow that’s a crazy name, is it that your parents are creative or is it that they’re really ethnic?”

She laughed at that and told me that she was a Cuban Jew. I told her that I was a Mexican Jew. She said that’s an interesting mix and not one that she typically hears and I said, “yeah, it’s because Jews usually hire Mexicans not marry them.” We laughed at that, but then she told me a story about how her mom almost married a Mexican.

I find out that she’s a DJ from New York. We’re talking some and I’m interested if she’s a full time DJ, and she isn’t. We talk about our day jobs versus pursing our artistic passions and I tell her that I’m a writer and she asks me if I’m intimidated that there is so much competition out there from blogs and websites. I say, “I don’t know,” but add “is it worse for the artist because there is so much competition so it is harder to get exposure or is better because the audience and market grows and brings in a much larger group of people to show your art to?”

Yes, these are the things I say in field.

She pulled in the rest of her social group and we all started discussing it. She gives me her card and I ask her how long she’s in town for. She says mainly for the weekend, I ask if her cell number is on the card and she says no. So I tell her that I’ll send her an email then and see if we can meet up before she leaves.

Honestly, I don’t think this is a solid number, the connection was… eh… not that great, not in comparison to the other girls, and also I saw her kissing up on another gorgeous chick later.

After that I enjoyed the show, danced like crazy, hung out with other friends, etc. No other “female” interactions. Honestly those that I wrote about were such a tiny, tiny part of my evening anyway. It was an amazing, amazing evening.

Developing Casanova Game

“Feeling that I was born for the sex opposite of mine, I have always loved it and done all that I could to make myself loved by it.” – Giacomo Casanova, History of My Life.

I’ve been playing this game long enough that I recognize when there is a shifting of my reality.  I felt it the first time I picked up Double Your Dating, The Game, or the first time I had made-out with a girl at a bar.  There are these notions that I have in my head that get picked away one by one and in the end am left with my true intentions and desires.

When I first began learning pickup and seduction the only thing I wanted was a girlfriend.  I needed her so that I could be happy, I was an incomplete person and the only thing that I felt would make me complete and happy would be finding a woman to satisfy my gaping hole of neediness. 

Jeez… so hard to understand now. 

Ironically, after I read David De’Angelo’s Double Your Dating I was able to get just that, a girlfriend, only to break up after two months of dating.  Quickly after that I got another girlfriend, which was a year and a half of fighting, arguing, and a general sense of misery.

Then I read The Game.  That’s when a big key turned in my head and opened an unbelieveable realm of possibilities, ”you mean I can have sex with women without being their boyfriend?”  Along with all the other adventures that you can read throughout my blog.

But on the other side there is a really bizarre underlying weirdness about the community.  “Racking up stats” or how many approaches a person gets a night or whatever.  It never made sense to me and it still doesn’t make sense to me.

What is the point of what we’re doing?  It actually makes me think back to something I felt after reading The Game.  At one point Neil Strauss writes that he has a rotating wheel of women in his life.  I’ve heard Hypnotica and some of the more “out there” guru’s talk about being Poly-Amorous and having mLTRs(Multiple Long-Term Relationships) but I never was able to rationally understand it, even though it seemed like the best possible situation.

Lately it’s been making a lot more sense, I’ve written about this several times recently in my Burning Bridges posts (1, 2) but I think that there is an even deeper message under this for me.

Like I said, when I first started this I wanted to have a girlfriend because I wanted an emotional connection with another person.  Yes, I can admit that it came from a place of neediness, but it is also nice to feel that there is “someone there” and that you can care for someone.  Again, non-attachment doesn’t mean not giving a shit, it means being open, honest, and loving without a need for it.  I do it because it’s something I want but could easily live without.

Oddly, though, when first starting out in the “community” that mentality didn’t survive for very long.  Approaching thirty girls in a night makes it really easy to not get too attached to any of them.  Truthfully, you can’t!  Tearing through sets all night long makes it really easy to desensitize yourself to women.  Throw on top of that when guys start getting “good” and they have several makeouts or lays a week and then there is not any form of specialness to it at all.

I completely refuse to deny that the women who I talk to and meet are not human beings!  The other road, the endless turning wheel of one night stands and meaningless makeouts and approaches, what’s the point?  If you want to get over making women too important, then get the hell over it!  Accept that it is a worthless pursuit.  What do you prove?  You get other little dorks on your internet forum telling you how great you are for your one night stands?

I honestly like women and enjoy their company.  I like the smell of their hair and the feel of their skin.  I still get excited when I go out to a first get together and I love the tension before the first kiss.  I appreciate a woman with a good sense of humor and who is kind.  I like good conversation.  I am impressed when a woman knows what a Cronenbergmovie is or if they pay attention to politics.  I don’t want to just fuck them one night then move onto the next “set”, I want to meet good people and women and have them involved in my life.  Not just emptily moving through live searching for the next hole to stick my dick into.

My game is reflecting this mindset too.  This, to me, goes along the same lines of when Brent Smith says, “you don’t have to learn how to imitate a confident man, just become one.”  So when I hear stuff like, “I built more comfort” or “I asked her a specific kind of question to build a deeper connection”, why don’t you just get more comfortable and develop a good connection?  I like getting to know someone now.  I don’t go out approaching a billion women.  Cold-approach is a complete waste of time and effort.  I want to focus on Warm-Approach and using Approach Invitations for an opening to meet and talk to a new person.

Most importantly I want to completely drop having an agenda.  Lately I’m being told by the girls I hook up with, “you make me feel so comfortable.”  That is the key now.  Being comfortable with yourself, having no agenda, and getting to know another person, openly and with love.

With a straight face I can say that I absolutely hate Confrontational Cold-Approach Pickup.  It’s stupid and creepy and needy.  If I never do it again for as long as I live I will be perfectly cool with that.

On top of it, I’m tired of the fakeness of pickup and seduction.  I’m tired of the strategies and tactics.  It seems so pointless to me now.  Why put in that much effort?  Why go to a shitty club 5 nights a week, approaching 3 bazillion women, sleeping with 19 gazillion?  What do you prove?  What happiness does that bring?

Just like I had to pull off my constraints of neediness, I’m pulling off my constraints of proving shit to other people.  Isn’t that what pickup becomes about eventually?  If you say no, then do you think that you could take dating advice from a pickup “guru” who has only slept with one woman?  You can get insight from anywhere and the only thing that you should use to discount it is if it isn’t consistent with your beliefs, what does sleeping with a bunch of women prove in a person’s ability to be happy?

I’m going to be open to love.
I’m going to be open to appreciation.
I’m going to be open to spending time and connecting with another human being.

No more games, tactics, and bullshit.  No more proving anything to anyone.  No more pickup dorkiness.

I’m only doing what’s real from now on.  Pursing my life through my interests, no more chasing women.  Making real connections with women and people, no more games and tactics.  Only being my real self, not some created pickup “avatar” to “attract women”. 

My true self connecting, appreciating, and loving another human being. 

Otherwise, what does it really matter?  It will only lead to validation, self-denial, self-hatred, and an inability to connect with yourself and others.  And what I want is peace and happiness.  I want my life and my dating life to positive and a benefit to my life.  Not some constant battle and struggle.

Turning a negative to a positive

Last night I met up with this girl that had written to me on myspace a long time ago. We had messaged back and forth a couple of times and she had a really good sense of humor, but at the time I got back with my exgirlfriend so I stopped talking to her.

A couple of weeks ago, I was going back through my inbox and saw her messages so I wrote her again. It was a good connection right away and it wasn’t long before she agreed to meet up.

Truthfully I was pretty unsure if this girl was attractive enough. Her myspace pictures were deceptive as hell. But I figured, what the hell do I have to lose?

We meet up and she is way below my standards, which are pretty low to begin with. It’s not a big deal and I drop the “you’re cool, we’re gonna be good friends I think” as early as possible. I do absolutely no kino, and when she tries to kino me, I very subtly back away from it.

She totally gets it.

We’re talking and she tells me that she has some friends out on the beach hanging out and another friend who is working in a little boutique. I ask her if her friend is cute, and she says, “yeah, I think she’s gorgeous” and I say, “hell yeah we should meet her then.”

We swing by and meet this one couple then walk over to visit the friend working in the boutique.

The girl in the shop was really cute, but more so totally my type: nerdy.

The girl that I had originally met with and the couple went off to do their own thing while I was hitting it off with the Nerdy Boutique girl. We both are into art, movies, music, etc. It’s an easy connection.

We’re back talking in a group and somehow I mention the movie “Pi” and Nerdy girl says that it’s been forever since she’s seen it and invites everyone over to watch it. I say that would be awesome but the girl who I had met up with says she was going to go home after we hung out.

I tell Nerdy girl to take my number and txt me when she gets out of work and she can pick me up and we can go watch. She said that she would but she wouldn’t want to take me back afterwards.

I didn’t push getting her number or hanging out because I didn’t want to come off as needy and also I figured she may not have wanted to be forward infront of her friends, especially since I had met up with one for a “date” earlier.

But I know I was vibing with her and I’m going to send her a message through myspace.

Another Easy Transition

I first wrote her because her profile had some smart shit on it. She had written a rant about religion and how she was against it. I know I am more likely to get along with a girl who questions their religious beliefs than someone who blindly follows them, so I write her, “smart girls are sexy.”

Some time later she finally wrote back a simple “thanks.”

I didn’t think much more after that even though I got her IM name. We started talking regularly, though, and over a couple of weeks I got to know more about her. She is much younger than I am, which I like. She also had a some resistance to meeting because of the nature of how we were meeting. I didn’t think things would go anywhere. At some point we even got into an argument and I deleted her name from my Friends List writing her off completely until she wrote me again a couple of days later.

But somehow things kept moving forward and before I knew it we had developed a pretty open electronic relationship. We talked constantly, and the more I found out the closer we became. One of the main things I liked about her was that she shared my beliefs in traditional gender roles and she is still young enough to be willing to lose herself to a man.

Many, many women my age are totally resistant to it with good reason. Too many guys get the gift of a woman’s total release and they abuse it and take advantage of it. By the time women hit their late 20’s they are jaded and cynical about men. And do you blame them? Why would they continue to release themselves to a man? They’ve done it tons of times before and it only ends in their disappointment.

After a month of talking she finally agrees that it’s time to meet up. She asks me what I have planned for us, and I reply, “wear something casual and that you can walk in. Also, wear a little something red.”

Her curiosity level spikes off the charts. She knows I’m setting her up for an adventure and she loves it. For the couple of days before we get together she keeps trying to pry the information out of me but there’s no way I’m going to tell her.

We meet up at a Starbucks next to my apartment on Miami Beach and walk up to Lincoln Road Mall.

The conversation right away is amazing. We have a lot in common, which I knew already, and things flow incredibly well. She’s nerdy and appreciates music and the arts in a similar way that I do. We jump from topic to topic. We talk about our friends, our lives, our interests. It is easy there isn’t much to think about.

I take her to a free art gallery that I’ve been wanting to go to since I moved to the Beach. It isn’t anything too grand but it’s nice. We look through the pieces trying to interpret them and give our thoughts.

Smart girls are definitely sexy.

We’re walking through the gallery and at one moment we’re talking about one artist’s piece and I turn to face her, grab her shoulders firmly, and give her a short, passionate kiss. I smile at her and she looks up at me with a look of adoration.

We move on, walking further up the mall. We make a few stops here and there, nothing too amazing or special but nice. She’s a good girl and I think she’s adorable. Along with being younger than me, she is also much smaller. I feel a primal urge to protect her.

At some point she slips her hand into mine and we walk past shops hand in hand.

When we get to the end I ask her if she wants to come back to my apartment to watch a DVD. She agrees easily.

On the walk back, just like the rest of the time, we keep having good conversation. I make it a point to have fun with her as well as be intelligent. I tease her one moment, then the next moment we talk about an existential concept about the universe.

It feels very nice.

Back at my apartment we’re in my bed and the movie starts. Before the opening credits finish running we’re kissing deeply and holding each other closely. Her body is full, she has those female curves that turn me on so much. She’s tiny so I dominate her easily, but I also try to maintain a tenderness.

I create a world for her where she is free to be open and sexual but within the boundaries that I’ve set for her. Through my actions I tell her it’s ok for her to touch me, I ask her what her fantasies are, I let her open up. But at other times I grab her arms and pin her down and put my weight and strength behind my kissing her and touching, moving between tenderness and aggression.

We go through the entire movie not watching a single second but rather studying each other’s bodies. We don’t have sex, which is perfectly ok. When the movie ends she says she has to go and I walk her to her car.

“When are we doing this again?” she asks.

“Soon,” I tell her with a big smile.

A girl that feels this easy and nice you don’t let just go. I’ll see her again soon.